Trying To Smile

I don't like this feeling.
I don't like feeling.
I don't like waiting.
I am so impatient.

I don't want you to know
That I think of you.

I don't want to know

that you already know I do.

I can hear your words whispered in my ear.
I can picture you, 

 working in the dust bowl days.

I picture the friends you have and the time invested.

I picture that heart of your's how it craves for more.
I don't want you to know that's . 

I want to feel the pulsing heartbeat 

Even when I am living the day trying not to think.

I will feel the crash the waves.

my mind recalls you and
my body has a physical reaction.
I tingle and blush.
 My body will even shudder.
I am frustrated by these feelings.

I don't like the loss of control.

I don't know if you have what it takes

 to give me what I want.

I am looking for someone special.

That could be you.

I am not going to even believe.

That I still need trust and intimacy.

I need you to feel like you have won a prize.

I don't want to pry complements out of you

like you are a oyster.

I know there is a black pearl inside. 

Still....

I let you in and maybe I should not have.

I don't want to complicate things.

That feeling of passion will fade.

With stream of consciousness I look at the desire and the practical. 

In the end, I decide to let it go.

 I am not someone who will always be around.

I told you that I didn't like the feeling.

I cannot stand to share my personal struggle with individuals. 

I do it to feel the connection. 

Damn, the consequence. 

You gave what you could and it's over for good. 

I feel better having left you in the past.

Where you belong, a fragment of a memory.

Just once in awhile you will shine.

Then, I remember the desire.

This time I will not let you in. 

I am tired of trying to smile.