Childish Background Music

I cannot remember the exact moment that music floated into my life, which seems strange to me. Since music has so infused with my life that I cannot think of a memory without conjuring a song with the memory. I remember receiving my first portable radio and I would take that thing everywhere. It was my prized possession. My Step-Dad, Denny, gave it to me. It was his and he didn't use it anymore. (From now on, I will just refer to Denny as my Dad. I am sure at some point I will discuss my abandonment issues and my realization that what I wished for was right in front of my face the whole time. Just know that Denny is the perfect representation of what a Father should be and we will leave it at that.)

Anyway, can you see a young child walking around the backyard of her home singing Foreigner's "Cold As Ice."https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjwV5w0IrcA

I had two 8-track tapes, Foreigner and Barbara Mandrell, I listened, sang along and pretended that I was the artist. This is one of my first musical memories. I love that portable 8-track play. 

Henry's Laughing (Love Letter to Henry)

Henry seems to make sure that you cannot concentrate watching Star Trek when he is in the room. He is watching "Bat Dad" on the  phone. Every thee seconds he laughs and looks in my direction.Not an adorable laugh but an ear splitting banshee type cackle. I know his laugh is coming but I jump every time.  Then he looks over to me and I have to pretend to laugh too.  Bad Dad has taught my son to talk in an ear splitting deep riotous voice.   Thanks for that Bat Dad.
 There are so many times that Henry ignores us. I want him to know that I care what he thinks and I want to share his interests. It could be worse. He could like Walker Texas Ranger or wrestling.
 Henry was tested when he was three by a Early Intervention by the Autism Specialist. She observed Henry for a few hours while he was in his preschool class at The Family Development Center. She told me that Henry was not autistic because he was socially inclined. I said, "Yes, but he has
 self-soothing quircks similar to children with autism. I feel like he may have a duel diagnosis. I would bet my shoes on it.

He has a lazy eye which means Henry's eye sight is different from other people. I wish that he would not hold the IPAD screen so close to his face. I wonder what he sees?  I often wish we could trade places with Henry, so we could have complete understanding.  It would absorb  every thought that he had so I would be able to hold conversations with him.
The first time Henry reveled that he could take care of himself, I thought I would cry.

Money, Money, Money...

I feel the pull of the tides, the rush of poetry's song
something new, something irresistible 
like a musical rapture.
I drink it down like wine.
 It's just a little fantasy I have learned to pretend is not there.




Work and Family and Fantasy

 Henry dances his way outside and,
 Desmond takes the remote with little dinosaur hands.
 We are watching Gumball again. Henry recites the whole thing.
My parenting skills are shot since the new job, consumes.
Is it too much to ask, I just want to be a philanthropist.
Spreading the word to the masses,  breaking away from the time clock.
Yes, I would like to show my boys that we can live in a world, that is cruelty free. Free of labels and preconceptions, just free.
All, I need is some dough, but I am stuck working for to little pay and not enough support. Don't tell me that you will fire me if I do not drastically improve. Threats do not work on me, I think of them as a dare. I'm very competitive, I have to reign it in sometimes.  You don't want me for an enemy. I can fight back. I will change the world with one thought, on this couch in the dark and writing these word. The whole world is going to listen to me. There are special people in this world and I am the champion.
That is the crux of the matter. It's not an easy thing to get out of the trap. God, I worry about that struggling until the very end. Never going farther then this job.



Our car was repossessed yesterday. 

Endometriosis

 Oh, this misery of a Mother.

This woman of the sun who quietly shrivels in on herself to feel the suffering of her people.

The sun is a red bloom aflame, preparing the body for forced fatigue.

Daughters of She suffer the isolation of what pain can bring. 

She stands in a glory of green palm fronds delicately twisting under the weight of air.

Still she rises like a woman in flight.

Feeling the warmth of wind and attenuating through shear will of freedom.

    

When Insomnia Comes to Visit

 Work Problems

I promised myself that I would start this new year with all of my documentation up-to-date. Learning a brand new job after you finally catch on to the last one.
I started this new job in November. There were in fact quite a few changed during this year. My family moved from Lubbock, Texas to Birmingham, Alabama. We lived in an across-the-tracks motel for two weeks. After the unwanted experience with the "not sure what it was, but it was something" young woman intruding into our motel room, we knew it was just not a place for our children to be living. Thankfully, my Father-in-Law let us stay with them two more weeks.
 Now here we are in a much better apartment and I am watching a Christmas Hallmark Movie. I would rather be asleep. I have been working on these reports since 9 PM and it is 5:30 AM now. I can almost see that light at the end of the tunnel, but I may not be able to make it tomorrow when you should stay up all night ringing in the new year. That will be when I crash and sleep so hard I snore.
I rarely have insomnia but when I do there is no willing myself to sleep. I just have to get up so that I do not wake Noah up by tossing-and-turning. Anyway, this is just a short little post to discuss insomnia. Tell me about your sleepless nights.   What do you find yourself doing late at night when you cannot sleep and are all alone?

Once a Year

Apparently, I only like to post once a year. I don't know if this problem is due to the fact that I chronically forget my password or that I am not a diligent writer on the computer. I write in my journal every day. For a few years, I wasn't writing at all. I like to think that I was just living.
I had just had my first child and I was navigating a mind field of activities for Henry. He had to be seen at the heart specialist, hearing specialist, and every other specialists who lived either forty miles away or three hours away. Henry had visits from his speech, physical and occupational therapists twice a week. Needless, to say we were very busy.  We are still busy, as we still have most of these responsibilities and/or these blessings.

Anyway, this post is not about my child and now children. It's about my issues. I am struggling with imposter syndrome. It was worse in the past but I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Self-esteem issues are so hard to live with on a daily bases.
 I have chosen to just always be honest with myself, because in the end I am the only person that matters. In this matter at least. I feel that if I am honest with myself then I am not worrying what others think about me, mostly.

It's been to long

I must begin again. It has been to long and there is so much to say. I am reminded of that moment where you feel the wave of poetry coming towards you. It has been to long. I forgot what the need to write feels like. It's like you have found an oasis when you have been stranded in the desert to long.

This is the time to celebrate change. I do not want to think negatively.  Sometimes I do and that's okay. I cannot control the anxious feeling I have, this is a great drawback of my life. This feeling stops me from writing. I push it out of my mind. After denying that I feel the call of poetry, I have stopped randomly feeling the call of poetry. I just have to use the force and call poetry  by name and poetry will come. Sometimes it happens in the form of prose. That's fine as well; I have loved prose also. Didn't Sandra Cisneros write the best prose?

 

The problem: I have is fear of rejection. I took a poetry writing class during my first divorce and the criticism was heartbreaking. My writing was critiqued as a failure although I passed the class. I tried to overcome the writing insecurities. It may take me a few more attempts but I will begin to write.
Watch out world, It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Voluntering and Wildlife Safari

I am a Family Support Worker for a non-profit.  It's a wonderful and rewarding job.  But...
Since I work for non-profit, I am required to volunteer four hours every year.  I typically volunteer many more hours then four though.  I don't mind volunteering, because serving my community is a personal value.  I believe you should give back to your community.  I want my children to also serve the community.  So, I volunteered today to work the CAAP's Celebrate Children Event at the Wildlife Safari.  I have volunteered for the past five years and this was personally my favorite year. I saw many graduates from the Healthy Start Program and many current families. 
There was one great big scary thing that happened today.  There were thousands of people at the event.  Noah brought the kids at 1:30 when I was finished.  Henry takes off at the dead run and the next thing we know he is gone.  We frantically search for him. I go all over the park twice and finally search the cafe.  I should have looked there first, because that is where he was the whole time. He ran straight for the cafe.  It was a horrible 15 minutes.

Kindergarten Readiness

Tonight we went to the parent/teacher dinner that Desmond's preschool has once a month.  The topic for the evening was kindergarten readiness.  In Oregon Kindergarten is five days a week for two 1/2 hours with 20-24 kids in the class.  When I was in Kindergarten there was half the children and it was twice as long.  I worry about were Desmond will go to school.  We live in the school district that more of the wealthier families live. I worry that Desmond's problem with transitions will be hard for him.  I don't worry that he is intellectually behind, because we have worked since birth to give him a healthy start.  I know he will have an advantage in this area.  He also has the advantage of a loving family.  Desmond will succeed and I will have a few more gray hairs.  Over the next couple of weeks we will be working on preparing Desmond for Kindergarten and I will post some of my activities here.

Layaway and Fabulous Birthday Presents

Henry's 7th birthday is next month. I wanted to get him something fabulous.  I know that Henry really likes to jump.  The problem is he has already worn out a bed from jumping.  (not really but close)  What better gift to give him but a trampoline.  The problem is they are expensive.  My husband, Noah, and I went to Kmart and found the perfect trampoline on sale.  (fist pumping the air)  In just 4 easy payments, my son will have the perfect gift.  I am already thinking about two more layaway projects.  Oh, no this may be trouble.  lol 

Next Month I will post pictures of Henry on this bad boy.

Clean Mud and Fingernails

 Desmond doesn't like to cut his nails and they can get really gross.  It's a fight to convince him to clean under his nails.  I don't want him to go to school with grubby nails and I don't want to fight with him to clean his nails either.  So, today I made clean mud.  He had to cut his nails and wash under them in order to play with the mud.  Then we had an hour long activity creating and cleaning the mud.  He thought it would be great fun to put red paint in the mixture, needless to say a bath ended the activity.  It was a win/win day for me.