The Weight of Air

I don't have any energy. It is hard to find the energy for anything really. I hate who I've become. I feel like half a woman. I wonder if they will ever find a cure or the cause of fibromyalgia. I also have osteoarthritis and disc degenerative disease. I am in chronic pain every single second of every single day. I used to be so active. I worked, had friends that I would  socialize with face-to-face.  I attended events in public. Now, I work and that takes so much of my energy. What little energy I have left I give to my boys. I try to do things with them to give them the good fuzzy feeling memories. I am fearful it's not enough. Letting my children down is my biggest fear and the thing that makes me the most angry as I suffer with Fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia is a divisive condition. Those who do not suffer from chronic pain do not understand what it is like. An individual with Fibromyalgia can hear from any number of people, that it is not a real illness. I am here to say, that it is very real. The pain that I am in is very real. I honestly do not understand how people can think that a person would make up having pain every single minute of every single day. It is debilitating and we are not trying to garner attention from the illness. If you asked anyone who suffers from Fibromyalgia they would wish it away. It takes over our lives and we mourn for the people we were. That person is gone forever. There is no cure for fibromyalgia and I will have it the rest of my life.

 I believe that Fibromyalgia is a brain disorder which effects the central nervous system. The chronic pain is related to neuroplasticity due to a maladaptive reorganization of the nervous system.  I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but it makes sense to me. Honestly, every day I try to figure out how it happened and how I can find relief.

As I said before, I feel pain constantly. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2009. Henry was 4 and Desmond was 25 months. They needed their Mommy and I was struggling just to make it though the day.  I felt so scared, helpless and guilty.
 The pain felt like a burning coal had been shoved into my lower back. The coal was sitting on my sciatic nerve causing the nerve to radiate down my legs and through my feet. On top of this pain my pressure points began to ache regularly. I developed skin sensitivity and had a hard time handling physical touch. The pain was exhausting and I would end up in bed for days. At times, I could hardly walk. It hurt so intensely that even the air around me felt heavy.
I would have these periods were I could not think coherently and I  struggled with my vocabulary. No matter what I do, I just could not find the my words. This symptom scared me the most.  I define myself by my communication skills. I am a verbal processor and I could no longer articulate my thoughts. It was frightening.

I had a traumatic injury to my neck when I rolled my moldy brown Pontiac three times. I was 18. Amy was 17 and Skylar was 4. We were so lucky.
I fractured my tailbone at Church camp when I was a Freshman in High School. I was 23 when an individual with polymyalgia rheumatica.  It's also called: stiff person syndrome. I was helping him into the van. He lost his footing and fell backwards onto me. I slamed my lower back on the concrete and he fell on top of me. It felt like a dinning room table had fallen on me. I herniated my L5-S1.
Many years later, I am paying the price.
I hate when I feel sorry for myself like I am now.  I just cannot help wondering why me? I don't think I deserve to live with chronic pain.
I don't think I can take this struggle. I had a hard enough time finding strength inside myself before I became ill. Will my quality of life ever improve?